Bob Waldmiller
Originally published June 1994
Carl Stevens, Norm Howell, and I received orders from the Project Police Federation to investigate a disturbance on the far side of the galaxy in the Camarillian system. Rumor had it that a major outburst of activity was about to unfold...thinly disguised as an interstellar conference on homebuilt aircraft. In order to minimize our own impact on the event (in accordance with the prime directive) we ditched our standard starship for a more typical looking craft--a Cherokee 140. Oh sure, it wasn't the prettiest thing in the galaxy, but fitted with hyperdrive it'd make any Correlian smuggler proud. Plus, it certainly wouldn't attract any special attention. We departed Starbase Lima Zero Zero in the Rosamond System and set course to Fillmore VOR mark 210. Once established on course, and above our minimum enroute altitude to avoid hitting any asteroids, we engaged the warp drive. Now it's weird how this thing works...here we are moving like a bat outahell, but what with Einstein's theory of relativity, the associated field effects, and distortion of the space-time continuum, the trip actually seemed to take just as long as if we were running on the Lycoming impulse system alone. Anyway, we had to slow below light speed due to a thick layer of stratus cloud mass, better known as the Camarillian Nebula, below us. I had no idea how to penetrate the thing. However, Data (Norm) had a plan which was sure to get us through the nebula and into the Camarillian system. We would fly the ILS approach into Pt Magu and during the descent we would break out of the clouds near Camarillo. It would have worked too if only the Pt Magu ILS wasn't out of service. The PAR approach was also unavailable which meant devising a different tactical maneuver...a maneuver which wouldn't arrouse suspicion of our true identities as Project Police members. It was simple. We shot the ILS approach into the Oxnard starbase and decloaked on the right downwind to runway 8 at Camarillo. Like magic, we were immediately cleared to land! Norm always gets what he wants out of ATC--I don't know how he does it but it always works! Once on the ground we set phasers on stun and immediately targeted the refueling area for a stack of pancakes, sausage, and an O.J. to go. The maple-flavored fuel additive was considered necessary as it contained the high-frutcose components necessary to Project Police survival. Then we scoured the area in search of projects to peruse and stuffed flyers for our own Pancake Breakfast/BBQ Lunch (last month) in open cockpits. The airshow was good, there were lots of people swapping good money for things they probably didn't need, and there were a bunch of good looking aircraft on display! Later in the day, Norm gave his presentation on the "Instabilities of Anti-Matter Containment in Non-Zero-G Maneuvers"...or..."You, Your Homebuilt, Stability, Flutter, and the V-n Envelope"...or, in reality..."Flight Testing Your Homebuilt." There was a good turn-out for this forum and judging by the questions and comments, I suspect that more pilots are getting into this subject.
Later, we again loaded the Cherokee and began our trek back home. To impress Norm who was now acting as the weight and balance crewmember in the back seat, I called Burbank approach on subspace radio with the intent of getting VFR flight following. After a near perfect radio call, the reply from Burbank went something like this, "Aircraft calling Burbank approach, transmission is unreadable, remain clear of the Burbank Class C airspace, squawk 1200, and call me back later." Imagine my frustration. Norm gets everything he asks for...always! And I, like Charlie Brown during Halloween...I got a rock. Quickly, I ran a level one diagnostics test on the radio and intercom. Norm was laughing so hard I thought the inertial dampers in the stabilator had failed. Rather than getting mad, I decided to get even and launched two photon torpedoes with my mic button. In a moment, they would find their targets in each side of the Burbank approach controller's headset and create a devastating short circuit between her ears...I only hoped!
Next time there's a fly-out in your area, be there--you can be sure the Project Police will!
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